Above is one of the cards I made, "I am the one who protects and watches over you." I am feeling a great need for this in my life once again. In the reading segment I asked a question about trust. From the cards I pulled, I got the sense that I need to take care of myself more before I can learn to trust. In a discussion outside of the group, the question came up, "What causes people to lose trust? Have they made their feelings vulnerable, has someone told them what was wrong with them?" For some people, this may be the extent of their mistrust: I gave my heart, but you broke it. I've certainly had plenty of that. Oh, if it were ONLY that! For some of us, the lack of trust runs much deeper than a broken heart. What if your caretakers were unreliable, alcoholic, addictive, abusive, violently angry? What if they abandoned you without a word, leaving you to think it was your fault? What if life threw at you strangers who would hold a knife to your throat, rob you, beat you, push you down and rape you? What if your own self doubt and loathing pushed you to the brink of self-destruction or into destructive relationships where the cycle of abuse and fear could continue and grow? Would you find it hard to trust?(What if it were just horrible enough to read about the atrocities committed against others? Do you trust humanity, life, God?) ... And yet, hope holds out its hand. Finally, I feel I am making progress. I was tested yet again earlier this week, thought I had found something good, but then it was spoiled. The good news is, I recognized my boundaries, and more amazingly, I HONORED them! Maybe I will learn to be that guardian angel watching over myself, or to trust that the angel is there and be willing to hear its voice.
Side note: It is scary to put these things out here, not knowing who will read them, who might I offend. Or, will NO ONE read them, the words floating silently forever gathering dust, dissolving into that dust, unreadable, disintegrated language and emotion? It's lonely here. But I continue the journey.